As I grow up, I realize that life is not as easy as learning the ABCs. To live is to struggle. I used to think the world was a wonderful and beautiful place to live, but as I grew up, developed physically, and became a woman, I realized that to live is to work hard. To understand life is a never-ending story.
I used to think that learning was limited to only the subjects taught in school and university—Mathematics, languages, science, literature, history, and other academic subjects. Little did I know, learning is about studying the universe and its contents. Gosh! How limited was my way of seeing and understanding things? Regret? Yes. For 30 years, I took life for granted. Opportunities passed me by without me realizing it. Frustrated? Yes. Life was meant to be something else. Something beyond our basic understanding. It is like a gem—expensive and difficult to possess.
My mum used to say, "Study hard and get a good job. Don't be like us—living in poverty." Poverty? Is "poverty" labeled by not having enough money? If yes, why? Is it not enough to have a roof over our heads, food to eat, and clothes to wear, to be labeled as "in poverty"? Is it not enough to live in harmony, filled with family love, to have a fulfilling life? Or is it because my parents didn’t have enough that they feel poverty is defined by money? Now that I have a job and earn my own money, I am not happy!! I might be able to spend money on material things, but I could never buy love with money. Money enables me to travel and experience new things, but I could never buy knowledge with money. If only I had known that learning goes far beyond what my parents and teachers taught me— could I be different?
Confused? Yes. I think I’ve learned enough, yet I still feel that I am not knowledgeable enough. I might have been the best student or excelled in university, yet I failed to understand the real meaning of life.
Why is it that when I become what my mum wanted me to become—to get a good job and escape poverty, as she used to say—I still am not satisfied with life? There is always something... something in life that I haven't achieved yet.
Life is not easy!
Never easy... never easy... never easy!
What am I? What am I?? I am human... a person with determination. Determination for what? To involve myself or to be important? Perhaps understanding oneself is the greatest achievement—for me. Am I trying to be modest? No! I just am who I am. Do you even understand yourself? Not yet... not fully yet.
Congratulations on the monologue within you, Mea!
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